I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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