You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
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