So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize