I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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