i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
