My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
