I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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