There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
