You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
