I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
