thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
