The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
