Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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