her vagine was all disorganized.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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