my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Randomize
