Will you blow on my dice?
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Randomize
