At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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