hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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