Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
