you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
