I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
