I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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