oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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