I feel like abortions should bother me more
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
