Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
