I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize