I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
