I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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