thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
she woke up with a sticky ear
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
