When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
