Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
