i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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