I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
