pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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