textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
