May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
