drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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