Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
