it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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