Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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