We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
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