I like my sex mixed with concussions.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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