My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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