What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
