My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
