I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
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