All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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