You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
