So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
