You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
operation harelip BJ is a go
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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