and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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