Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
