did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
this just has baby written all over it
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
