my mouth tastes like poor choices
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
this will be a night to untag.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Randomize
