I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
If I die, sorry about rent.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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