where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
