i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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