you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
My feet surprised me
Randomize
