I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
