I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
