Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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