You really coming over, don't trick.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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