look no pants
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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